My God, Does Riding in a Tesla Suck

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OK, let’s get this out of the way: I can’t drive and I don’t understand the differences between types of cars. This upsets no one like it upsets men: men whose self-worths are tied up in their ugly little vehicles, the hideous blue upholstery they got for their Toyota, their early lives guided by reruns of Pimp My Ride. To me, a station wagon is a caravan is a hatchback. In fact, I know so little about cars that I had to google all of these words.

Having a toddler’s understanding of types of vehicles never impacts me, except in two cases. One, if I ever witness a bank heist and am asked to describe the getaway car, I would be so profoundly useless that the cops would assume I was involved. Two, I never know which Uber is mine. I’m the idiot who walks all the way around the car to read the license plate, to make sure I’m getting in a—let me just check my notes here—Nissan Altima instead of a Kia Sorento. (For this joke, I googled “car types.”)

I don’t use rideshares very often, but increasingly, my experiences have been nauseating. Uber rides and Lyft trips have felt like riding in a broken Tilt-A-Whirl, with me swaying in the back seat, trying to not throw up before I can get the window rolled down. I arrive at my destination still undulating with motion sickness. I’ve never liked riding in the backs of cars very much, but lately, it’s felt like a new, worse car had recently hit the market.

I’m half right. The car isn’t new, but my god, does it ever suck. Elon Musk has done a lot of harm to society, from decimating the federal government to ruining Grimes for me, personally, but I want to grab that man by his scruff for foisting the Tesla on me. That I even know what a Tesla is remains a problem unto itself, but the experience of riding in one of these cars is so indelibly unpleasant that now I can recognize one on sight. What the fuck is this awful car? It’s like riding in a coffin. They’re too low to the ground, completely pitch-black inside, and every single Tesla ride makes me feel like I’m going to barf for one million years.

I’m not the only person trying to not blow chunks in the back of the world’s ugliest vehicles; there are several websites and forum posts about how Teslas, and electric cars generally, can make passengers carsick. Now, when I order a car on Uber or Lyft, I speak a silent incantation into the sky hoping for any car other than a Tesla, which is increasingly the only kind of car I get. I would prefer a teenager show up with a tandem bike, him patting the extra seat and telling me to “hop on.”

But hey, I get it. Other than me burp-heaving in the back of these cars, the Tesla is perfect! If there’s anything I want in a tin can that can drive up to 200 miles an hour, it’s for the door to be practically nonfunctional. I completely understand why you would want the external handle to fuse completely with the door, making it impossible to hold on rainy or freezing-cold days. I also really admire how opening the door from the inside and rolling down the window are equally mysterious actions. Do you press the button for the window or the door? Or is it both? And how about two screens on the dashboard to distract both me and the driver? Yes, I think all cars should have televisions, great idea.

Holy shit, this car sucks. I will pay any amount of money to never ride in a Tesla again. In fact, I would pay even more money to Uber if they offered me a Tesla-free version of the app. Look at me, a sucker willing to pay a bonus to solve a problem created by another VC-funded company that killed the yellow cab. Maybe Uber can reroute my extra funds to all the hospitals preemptively suspending trans health care out of fear they’ll lose federal funding! I already feel sick enough in my day-to-day life; do I need to be in a car invented by the guy who’s lighting American infrastructure on fire every day? All I want is to avoid making the eugh-eugh-eugh sound that comes with Tesla-induced carsickness. My dreams have become so small.

I’m sure that for drivers, there are other issues with the Tesla. It seems like it would feel like you’re steering a Roomba. Charging it sounds annoying. They’re certainly ugly, and Musk is also responsible for the Cybertruck, a car that looks so much like literal garbage that raccoons keep trying to eat it. Drivers should avoid buying a Tesla for good reasons beyond the fact that it’s a lousy car. All I want is for me, an innocent cherub in the woods who doesn’t have a driver’s license, to be able to avoid this car entirely. A rideshare app would never expect me to take a ride home from the club in an ambulance, a school bus, or the apple that worm drives in those Richard Scarry books. Surely there’s a way to keep me out of a Tesla, too.

But anyway. What are you doing this weekend? Do you think you could pick me up? I have a few errands to run and I could really use a car.